Books Never Written

Some familiar, some funny and some just plain bad.

Under the Grand Stands by Seymor Buts
To the Outhouse by Willie Maket, illustrated by Betty Wont
How to Survive a Bear Attack by Ben Eaton
Walking to School by Misty Bus
How to Check a Pulse by Izzy Dead
Where Have All the Animals Gone? by Darin Dabarn
The Yellow River by I.P. Daily
Over the Mountaintop by Hugo First
The Numbers Game by Cal Q. Later
Rusty Bed Springs by I.P. Freeley
Falling Off a Cliff by Eileen Dover
The Joys of Drinking by Al Coholic
My Life with Igor by Frank N. Stein
Supporting Athletes by Jacques Strappe
I Was Prepared by Justin Case
Green Spots on the Wall by Picken and Flicken
Caulking Made Easy by Phil McKrevis
The Future of Robotics by Cy Borg and Anne Droid
What to Do if You’re in a Car Accident by Rhea Ender
Breathing Lessons by Hal E. Tosis
Why Should I Walk? by Iona Carr
Deep in Debt by Owen A. Lott
Taking Tests by B.A. Wiseman
Pie by Don Cherry
Computer Memory by Meg A. Byte
Gotta Go by C. U. Later
How to Serve Your Fellow Man by The Cannibals
The Membership List by Ross Terr
The Giant Clock Tower by ‘Big’ Ben
All About Flowers by Chris Anthymum
Boy Scout Brigade by Pat Troll
The Lost Scout by Werram Eye
Late for Work by Dr. Wages
Ten Years in the Bathtub by Rink Lee Prune
How to Eat Cereal by Poor A. Bowl
Smelly Stuff by Anita Bath
Technology in the 21st Century by Rob Ott
A Safe Hitchiker’s Guide by Ren Tacar
Things Women Can’t Do by B. A. Mann
The Art of Being Discreet by Anonymous
Bubbles in the Bath by Ivor Windybottom
Microsoft Business Practices by Eve Hill
Gotta Go Again by D. I. Aria
Interesting Places Around The World by Ben There & Don That
101 Ways To Die by Sue I. Cide
Household Book of Tools by M.C. Hammer
Paris Monuments by I. Phil Taurer
The Bearded Chinaman by Harry Chin
How to Exercise by Eileen and Ben Dover
Magical Bed Wettings by Peter Pants
101 Ways to Diet by I. M. Hungry
Getting Fired by Anita Job
Great Restaurants by Bo Leamick
Crossing a Man with a Duck by Willie Waddle
A Sailor’s Adventure by Ron A. Ground
Green Vegetables by Brock Ali
Raise Your Arms by Harry Pitt
Long Walk Home by Miss. D. Bus
Sitting on the Beach by Sandy Cheeks
Window Coverings by Kurt and Rod
Wheels in China by Rick Shaw
How To Dance by Sheik Yerbouti
Something Smells by I. Ben Pharting
I.Q. Competitions by Samar T. Pants
Depressing Jobs by Paul Bearer
The Skyline by Bill Ding
My Life as a Gas Station Attendant by Phil R. Awp

Fun Pie Facts


Apple pie is the favorite flavor among one out of four Americans, followed by pumpkin, chocolate, lemon meringue, and cherry.

Before pie was America’s favorite dessert, fruit pies were commonly eaten as part of breakfast in the 19th century.

The term “upper crust” refers to early America when the economy was difficult and supplies were hard to come by. Only affluent households could afford ingredients for both the upper and lower crusts of a pie; thus, the term “upper crust” was born.

Shoo-fly pie is a wet-bottom molasses pie that was originally used to sit on windowsills to attract flies away from the kitchen.

Facts about Bras

The first bra was patented in New York in 1859 by Henry S. Lesher.

Did you know that 75% of women are wearing the wrong size bra?

There are many stores, from department stores like Nordstroms to lingerie boutiques, that offer the services of a “certified bra fitter.” I cannot find who offers this training or what it entails.

Beer in the Morning?

I woke up really early this morning (after falling sleeping on the couch) and went to the store. We needed milk, juice and coffee for breakfast. I also got some donuts: Chocolate Covered Custard filled for me, Lemon filled for Meg and Chocolate Covered with sprinkles for the kids.

Anyway, since I was there, I thought I would pick up some beer. I got some Pete’s Wicked Rallycap Ale. It used to be called Summer Ale, but it is the same stuff so I really don’t care what they call it. I got to the register and the cashier told me I couldn’t buy the beer. It was too early. I couldn’t buy beer until 7:00. It was 6:40 and she asked me if I wanted to wait 20 minutes. I said no, I had things to do.

I guess since there is a time that they stop selling beer at night, there must be a state mandated time that they start selling beer. Why is it 7:00am? Why not 6:00 or 5:30? Anyone who has been drinking all night is not likely to go into Harris Teeter and buy beer. This makes no sense.

Save the Internet Today!

Congress is threatening the freedom of the internet. A new bill is backed by telecommunications and cable lobbies and will reduce and remove consumer choice on the internet.

“Network Neutrality” — the First Amendment of the Internet — ensures that the public can view the smallest blog just as easily as the largest corporate Web site by preventing Internet companies like AT&T from rigging the playing field for only the highest-paying sites.

But Internet providers like AT&T, Verizon and Comcast are spending millions of dollars lobbying Congress to gut Net Neutrality. If Congress doesn’t take action now to implement meaningful network neutrality provisions, the future of the Internet is at risk. So far, we’ve only seen the tip of the iceberg. But numerous examples show that without network neutrality requirements, Internet service providers will discriminate against content and competing services they don’t like.

* In 2004, North Carolina ISP Madison River blocked their DSL customers from using any rival Web-based phone service.
* In 2005, Canada’s telephone giant Telus blocked customers from visiting a Web site sympathetic to the Telecommunications Workers Union during a labor dispute.
* Shaw, a big Canadian cable TV company, is charging an extra $10 a month to subscribers in order to “enhance” competing Internet telephone services.
* In April, Time Warner’s AOL blocked all emails that mentioned — an advocacy campaign opposing the company’s pay-to-send e-mail scheme.

Save the Net Now

Haiku or not

A forum that I frequent had a haiku thread (related to a haiku contest) and someone posted the following in response to the 5-7-5 syllable rule:

actually, no they don’t. that was a device brought to the west by Blythe. Japanese haiku are written in one line of 17 onji and the breaks are implied in the language. Due to the difference between onji and syllables though a 17 onji poem is much much shorter than a 17 syllable poem. 17 syllable poems tend to be far to weighted, and in fact often need to be padded with extra words detracting form the brevity of the poem, and ones ability to use the best words to convey experience. haiku isn’t intended to be a math problem though, and the 17 onji wasn’t so much a rule as it was a natural rhythm in the language. even the great haiku masters pitched these patterns when it suited the poem. in the west few (if any) haiku societies adhere to patterened syllabic rules, and tend to focus on the skill demonstrated in the poems. in any of the popular ‘haiku’ books out there, few if any true haiku appear, which is determined by the use of seasonal cue words, and the juxtapositon of images within the poem. what appears in books like cat-ku, redneck-ku and haiku for jews, have a closer connection to senryu (a haiku-like poem that relates more to the human realm than natural connection) even that has specfic qualities that have these pieces fall outside their scope. one wouldn’t write any old thing and claim it to be a sestina.

My response was:

I just wrote this verse
Using the Western meaning
Of a haiku poem

An End to Apple Chill

From tonight’s Chapel Hill Town Council Meeting

The Council passed a resolution to end the street fair. The resolution stated that the fair has grown to attract crowds of more than 30,000, challenging the abilities of Town staff and outside resources to effectively manage the event. There were shootings on Franklin Street, and roads remained congested for about five hours after the fair’s conclusion. The Council also requested a report on the social and financial impacts of Festifall and Halloween.

Justice Through Music

I found this organization today.

Justice Through Music Project is a non-profit, 501(c)(3) organization that uses famous musicians and bands to organize, educate and activate young people about the importance of civil rights and voting.

Sounds like a great idea, but the weird part is that one of the founders is “nationally known entertainment attorney Jeff Cohen.”

I ran across them because they are helping to promote Neil Young’s new album, “Living with War.” It is scheduled to be released over the internet in about a week (4/28: streaming, 5/2: download).

Here’s a preview review.